Well I have finally made it home after my first visit to Blitherscrum (the local magistrate was most understanding). It did take me a while to find the site though, since when I enquired for directions to the Queen's Legs the old gentleman I asked had a nasty accident with his vowels and sent me instead to the neighbouring village of Blatherscrum. There I found the annual bad joke festival in full swing, with the contest for the World's Longest Joke Without a Punchline still running since the previous year.

I eventually found a disused footpath which led me through Blitherscrum Parva and Blitherscrum Bottom to the festival site proper just in time for the Air Guitar Competition. Sadly I found I had left my air capo at home and I had to borrow one from another player, but it was a left-handed one so my tuning was all out.

I very much enjoyed the Child Ballad Re-enactment Workshop, especially the performance of The Outlandish Knight when the very attractive blonde removed her fine holland smock and pushed the knight into the River Blither where Farmer Jones had just released a silo of his finest slurry. The parrot unfortunately kept on squawking long after his turn was over and it completely and utterly ruined my rendition of Tam Lin.

My heavy-metal shanty team the Shanty Crüe was eliminated from the Silent Shanty semi-final for performing a halyard shanty where a capstan was required (or it may have been the other way round).

I look forward to attending next year's festival once I have resolved my bail conditions.

Matthew