This just in:

CBC, September 5. Blind River resident Shane McBride was arrested around 7 last evening for morals violation with a visiting American chimpanzee, Chongo Chimp, of Chicago, Illinois.

Mr. McBride was charged with being under the influence of alcohol and illegal drugs, various public health violations, and attempted sexual assault with a dead weapon. He is being held without bond in the Sudbury Jail.

Mr. Chimp was charged with various weapons violations, including possession of a fully automatic weapon, failing to pay import duty on 1,500 cigars and 25 liters of whisky, attempted sexual abuse of a person of diminished mental capacity, resisting arrest, and running several stop signs. He is being held in isolation at the Sudbury Animal Park and Petting Zoo.

Whew! The things that happen over night! Chong and Shame -- who woulda thunk it?