BREAKING NEWS BULLETIN: PUB HIJACKED IN HAMPSHIRE

On Friday, December 8th, a pub in Hampshire was hijacked by an unknown group of people who have identified themselves only as "Mudcatters". It is not known at this time what the demands of these people are, except for a week's supply of "grits", eggs, bacon grease, coffee, and shandy.

Strange sounds have been emanating from the pub since the hijacking. Witnesses have described the sounds as being something like music, but more like the sounds of people and animals being slowly tortured.

One woman in the group is reported to have threatened to "Kill the constable" if Mel Gibson is not delivered to her within twenty-four hours. It is not clear at this time what the woman's reasons are for this request. However, she was overheard by one reporter mumbling something about a long slow screw against the wall...