Some fragments from memory, apologies if someone has posted better versions and I've failed to spot them.

Dreary biographical note: my cousins in Southend were big Paddy Roberts fans c. 1960, and I can remember my acute embarrassment as my mother, with me in tow, discussed with the man in the record shop whether this would be suitable material for the eleven year old me.
We ended up buying an EP.

TATTOOED LADY
(Paddy Roberts)

Oh, I was a bit of a lad, I admit.
My past was a trifle shady,
Until in the end I went right round the bend
And married a tattooed lady.

I immediately saw there were pictures galore
Round ev'ry available corner.
As I studied her frame very soon I became
An expert in flora and fauna.

On the back of each knee was a small chimpanzee.
On her thigh was a Knight of the Garter,
And just for a laugh, they had put on her calf
Eight bars of the Moonlight Sonata.

One evening I found as I ambled around,
I was feeling an absolute Charlie,
'Cause I couldn't be sure if the sketch on her jaw,
Was Picasso or Salvador Dali.

Some things I found out I just won't talk about;
I find it's inclined to embarrass.
But I give you my word, though it may sound absurd,
It was just like the Louvre in Paris.

On one of her feet you are liable to meet
A master of hounds in his habit,
And right round her waist in impeccable taste
Was a python devouring a rabbit.

I loved all the ships on one side of her hips,
The view in Peru on the other,
But I was struck dumb when I found on her tum,
A caricature of her Mother.

For this was much more than a man can endure,
Though I made the most earnest endeavor,
So I scuffled away, and I’m happy to say,
It was tat-a-tattoo forever,
Tat-a-tattoo forever,
Tat-a-tattoo forever.


Malcolm Smith

HTML line breaks added --JoeClone, 8-Jan-02.