I read this just now and I thought I'd share it
love Patrish xxx
This is Martha Stewart's Evil Twin and today I'm going to make a simple but beautiful pine tree into a toddler-safe Christmas decoration that will be the envy of all your friends and family.

The basis for any lovely tribute to Jesus and the Ascension is a pine-tree. I sent my assistant out in her Mazda, to drive to North Carolina and personally chop-down a gorgeous 8' Douglas Fir. After pruning, the bottom of the tree will be safely out of reach at a height of: 4', 3". If you buy bigger boxes for your gifts, no one will be the wiser with an optical and magical illusion.

Normally, you would want to keep your tree moist through the holidays, by hydrating it with a well-stand; but if your kids are like I was as a kid, they'll be lapping up that microbe-loaded, needle-filled water upon installation. Our option is to purchase a $6,000 dollar-internal-irrigator. If you can't afford this type of system, nail some plywood to the bottom, surround it with blankets and let your tree dry-up by Dec 20th. Remember, don't run your lights more than an hour a day cumulatively when the needles turn a lovely brown cinnamon color.

Normally, we'd like to hang: inedible-cookie ornaments, glass balls, and painted pearl-strands, etc. But with a toddler around, these ornaments are simply impractical and unsafe. You could buy an invisible electronic fence (the type used by dog-owners). You could surround the tree of your dreams with the invisible fence and your baby would only receive the most minimal electric shock. I will talk about the various kinds of electronic fences on a future episode of Martha Stewart's Living. For now, let's move on with this tree.

In finding safe ornaments it's a good idea to stick with edible things. I recommend unpeeled potatoes, which will have really random and delightful roots growing out of them by New Year's Day. With a little fabric-paint, you can design potatoes that remind you that Santa's Coming and not a tall salad.

Next: reliable Tupperware lids. The advantage of this decoration is that you have so many shapes and sizes to play-with. If you use pitcher lids, you won't even have to drill a whole in it to run the hanging twine-through.

Next: no popcorn this year, sorry, it's too easily-choked by a small child. Instead, we're going to string Super-Tampax (out of the applicator, of course). We can put the left-over natural dyes and make colorful angels and flowers out of the expanded shape of the tampon.

What child doesn't love the traditional saltine-cracker? If you can manage running embroidery thread and needle through a saltine, you've got an snowflake-ornament that can be plucked-off for a sustenance by the whole family if Y2K rots everything in your fridge.

I have replaced the traditional star at the top with a frilly bra; tied around an open, flared diaper, glued to a long paper-towel roll. A little magic marker later and we've got an angel that won't send your child to the emergency-room.

Look for Martha Stewart's Evil Twin, in the pages of www.thesmokinggun.com.