As y'all seem to be having a problem in your time conversions, allow me to step in and give you an easy conversion method. Your first problem is that you are operating on the Grenwich MEAN Time standard which is often just as mean as it's name indicates. So let's swap to the more user friendly Icelandic Kinder Gentler Time standard to do our conversion tables. This also does away with the silly concept of the International Date Line (not the 900 one) which foists upon us the ludicrous idea that, though it is tomorrow there, it is yesterday here...which in point of all evidence is patently untrue, as it is today everywhere. Now we can move along to our formula at a more logical and simpler pace.

Take the current surface area of Iceland and subtract the linear distance between there and Pago Pago. Divide this by the square root of Joe Offer. (I use Joe here as this will help him in his conquests with the opposite sex. Since very few males have a square root, his demand should be on the rise...so to speak. I have no "personal" knowledge of Joe's current situation but I'm inclined to believe he may be in need of a little help as I overheard a recent female companion describe Joe's equipment as a "melting fudgcicle, flanked by two jelly beans.") In any case, take this total and multiply it by the number of clocks in your home, less the number of dead wristwatches in your upper right hand dresser drawer. Add the difference total (in minutes) of the aforementioned clocks and divide by the average versus the time on your current wristwatch. You can now differentiate under the equal sign to calculate the value of X, that being the time where you live. Don't forget to use the value of pi as a constant...and since the value of pie at diners between Toronto and Buffalo is $1.75 (US), use that (1.75) instead of the more traditional 3.14159 figure.

Putting it all together you can now readily see that when it is 3:30 P.M., January 4,2001 in Otswego, it's 2:48 P.M.,October 18, 1893 in Waycross, Georgia. Of course it's always that time in Waycross so don't be confused.

I hope this has cleared things up for everyone and we'll all be tuning in to Mike's show at 9 A.M. in Montreal. Except for Joe of course who is free to try out his square root or convert it to a blue, clicky thing...also unique, or so I'd tend to believe.

Spaw