Sand? People wipe their asses with sand? Personally, I go to great lengths to keep sand out of my butt crack. How do you spell "chafe"?

And while modern day MREs (Meals-Ready-to-Eat) are a great improvement over old style C-rations, the toilet paper is still more suitable for patching bullet holes in entrenching tools than wiping your bum. But MREs do have moist towelettes. And Skittles.