It's been one hell of a few weeks. Veronica's son died on October 9th leaving me wanting to be near her, to hug her, hold her tight and take away as much sadness as I could...but could not do that for a multitude of reasons. Then on November 1st, the car in front of us stopped, we stopped but the pick up behind us did not stop...hitting us so hard that it pushed us into the vehicle in front of us which pushed their tailpipe forward by 3 feet. We had an ambulance ride and I am thankful to say we are all ok. I was bumped up a bit and my elbow is still tender but it could have been so much worse. Enter insurance nightmare. Pete missed a week of work, finally got a rental for 10 days (returned that today).

So...one week ago today, I got a phone call at 1:28am from my mom telling me that I needed to meet her at the nursing home where my nana was. Nana had been throwing up for 3 days and on that night, she was throwing up lots of blood. Her oxygen was removed (they said it caused more discomfort than help for her at that point), morphine administered. She would sleep for the next 30 hours with my mom, aunt and myself at her side. She would make facial responses to some things (I told her I had roasted a chicken the day before and was planning to make her some soup....her eyebrows went up and a big smile) and she did say a few words but maybe only 3 times. She tried to talk at other times but we couldn't make it out. While it was exhausting, I'm so thankful that I was there and awake for all of it with the exception of 2 hours. So....I was there on a very early Tuesday morning and she passed on Friday, November 12th at 10:03 am, holding my hand. She had been in pain and wanted to go and we all prayed that she would....and I thought I was ready. As it turns out, I am anything but ready. My brain gets that she is at peace and she is with my Pappy but my heart just hurts. I am crying all over the place and the smallest things trigger more tears.

Meanwhile the insurance company hell is in full swing creating loads of frustration and some not so nice things coming out of my face. I regret it the second it comes out but by then it's just too late but then again, I think some of it is warranted. It's just RIDICULOUS that there's so much red tape in such a clear cut accident. Thank God for full tort insurance company because I think we are going to have to go after the other driver for some expenses. So I go from heartbreak to a very high amount of frustration back to such sadness. The swing is fierce. I have Ativan around here somewhere....now if I could just find it...maybe that would help level some things out but then again, maybe it's better to just work it out of my system as best I can. It all makes me want to curl up in a ball and just not come out.

As of today, we have a new to us car, another Subaru Forester. I should be happy about it. Pete told me earlier today that I should take the car out and enjoy it and that I deserve it but I don't feel that way and told him so. It will make getting back to our lives easier and I am glad that we could get another Subaru because I think it is a solid, safe car but I just can't wrap being happy about it in my brain. Nana died on Friday. It's not even been a week yet even though it feels like months....I guess I just need to be sad.

I have managed to do the basics around here and Pete did well for the time I was at the nursing home nonstop. The dishes are done (except for todays), laundry is up to date, floors swept, I put things away that I brought home from the nursing home along with a few bags of things my mom sent but nothing more. Maybe tomorrow.

I am beyond done for the day.

Much love to all.

Michelle

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Paragraph breaks added to make for easier reading. And offering mudcat's sincere condolences. ---mudelf