SANTA GOT A DUI
As recorded by Neptune's Buffalo on "Holidays" (2002)

Well, it's Christmas eve and Santa's in the tank.
There was milk and cookies but that wa'n't what he drank.
His sled was overloaded and he couldn't make it fly,
And Santa got a D.U.I.

Well, there was Christmas cheer ev'rywhere he went.
One too many toddies, he was a little bent.
His sled it wouldn't fly; it had too big a load.
That's how he ended up on the main road.

CHORUS: Well, call Mrs. Claus; call all the elves.
Someone needs to bail Santa Claus out o' jail.
Free the Reindeer Nine; free all the toys.
Save Christmas mornin' for all the girls and boys.

The mothers they are mad* on ev'ry holiday.
If you're drinkin' and a-drivin', man, you're gonna have to pay.
The lawmen of the land they had all that they could deck(?),
But they decided on a midnight license check.

CHORUS

Just plain ol' milk an' cookies, that's what he should 'a' drank.
This year it is Christmas and Santa's in the tank.
He's in the tank.

[Instrumental break]

Though Rudolph's nose was shinin' like a freight train's golden light,
As they cruised on down the highway on that fateful Christmas night,
With reindeer in the lead and toys stacked up in the trunk,
Good ol' Santa Claus, he was stinkin' drunk.

Well, Santa saw the roadblock and he urged his deer to fly.
That sled had left the pavement in the twinkle of an eye.
The lawmen were confused; you could see it on their face,
But they were ready for a high-speed freeway chase.

CHORUS TWICE

This year it is Christmas and Santa's in the tank.
There was milk an' cookies but that wa'n't what he drank.
His sled was overloaded and he couldn't make it fly,
And Santa got a D.U.I.
His sled was overloaded and he couldn't make it fly,
And Santa got a D.U.I.
I said Santa got a D.U.I.
Good ol' Santa got a D.U.I.


[* A pun on M.A.D.D., Mothers Against Drunk Driving.]