DON'T UPSET THE LITTLE KIDDIE-WINKS
As sung by Paddy Roberts on "Strictly for Grown-Ups"

Spare the rod and spoil the child.—That's what Grandpa used to say,
And he'd tan our hides off if we even looked his way.
Other means are now employed,
Thanks to Schopenhauer and Freud.
Even though you hate them,
You must not frustrate them.

Don't upset the little kiddie-winks,
The little kiddie-winks
Of today.
You must never ever beat them.
The right way to treat them
Is let them go their own sweet way.

And don't upset the little layabouts.
Just let them play about
Scot-free.
Just put on their galoshes,
And hand them their coshes,
And keep them well away from me.

You must let each little monster
Do exactly as he wants ter,
Though you know he's going to take you for a chump.
You may treat each little treasure
To some psychiatric measure,
But you mustn't ever kick him up the rump.

And never strike the little popinjays,
Although to coin a phrase,
They stinks.
Don't scare the little baskets.
It's not much to ask; it's
The way that ev'ry modern teacher thinks.
Don't upset the little kiddie-winks.

Don't upset the little kiddie-winks,
The pretty kiddie-winks,
The little dears.
Though it seems the devil's got 'em,
One smack on the bottom
Might prejudice their whole careers.

Don't forget each bedtime story
Must be adequately gory,
For they claim we're all descended from the ape.
If you really want to please 'em,
No more witches on a besom.
Give them arson; give them murder; give them rape.

So if you find the curly-headed pets
Are buying cigarettes
And drinks,
Don't don't push 'em down the plug-'ole,
No clouts on the lug-'ole.
You must remain impassive as the sphinx,
And don't upset the little kiddie-winks.