We don't rule, Ed. We officiate. And we've tried to discourage the disgusting practice you allude to by removing all the locks from the closets and leaving an 18-inch gap at the bottom of the doors. Actually, I can't claim all the credit for the latter as Theresa May started it in 2010 so that she could show off her shoes whilst defaecating. She struggled a bit as she found she could only do it by keeping her knickers at knee level, which kept busting the elastic.

Dick, we must maintain discipline. The only naughtiness I'm sanctioning is affairs with other members' wives or even with other husbands' members. Actually, I want a duck house so I'm temporarily lifting the ban on corrupt expenses claims, but make it snappy. It was all this talk of bills that put me in mind of it. How do you turn a duck into a country singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers. Ha ha, geddit?