I have never thrown up a funnel cake. In fact, I have never eaten a funnel cake. I do make my living selling my wares at festivals where funnel cakes are often one of the many indigestibles hawked by food vendors, so I have witnessed people eating funnel cakes. Those people scare me. I would not want to be one of them. They watch reality TV programs and have Donald Trump campaign signs in their front yards. Some of them still have McCain/Palin bumper stickers from 2008 on their pickup trucks. I figure that simply breathing the air near a funnel cake vendor's trailer will result in a net loss of IQ points, so I'm damned sure not eating the things. At this point, I need all of the few brain cells I have left.

In fact, I avoid most of the "food" sold at festivals. I have a theory that much of it is nothing but funnel cakes in disguise. The noodles in that "lo mein"? Funnel cake dough. The stuff on the outside of corn dogs and "blooming onions"? Funnel cake dough. The only festival food item I'm relatively sure is not made of funnel cake dough is the smoked turkey legs, though I'm far from certain they're actually made of turkey.