Brine? What are you people DOING!!

Get your turkey from a good supplier that does free-range birds. This is far and away the most important part of serving up good turkey.

Do not be tempted to get a huge great massive bird. If you really need enough to feed the five thousand, buy two smaller ones. Oven-ready weights of 13 or 14 pounds are ideal.

Your turkey should be at room temperature. That means twelve hours out of the fridge or 36 hours out of the freezer (Jaysus though - frozen turkeys - yikes!)

You need a large roasting tin. The foil ones you can buy are good, honest.

Heat your oven to about 190°C. Put your turkey in the tin breast side up. Season it with freshly-ground black pepper and a bit of salt. Easy, tiger. And do not put stuffing in the turkey. If you want stuffing, cook it separately. Ask me for my recipe as long as you think, like I do, that pork sausage meat is essential in stuffing.

Cover your turkey, every bit of it, with rashers of unsmoked streaky bacon. There should not be a single square millimetre of turkey showing.

Put the turkey into the oven. Do NOT interfere with it in any way during the next two hours except, if necessary, to get rid of SOME of the excess liquid in the tin.

After two hours, take off the bacon, which should now be crispy, and allow your hungry family to wrestle each other to the death in order to eat it. Beer is good at this point. Baste the turkey and put it back in the oven.

Keep your eye on it. An average bird will need about one more hour. During that time the skin will crisp, especially if you baste it once in a while. Follow your instincts. If you think it isn't crisping sufficiently, whack the oven up to its maximum for the last ten minutes. When you think it's done, remove from the oven, transfer it to a new tin or plate and leave it for at least 45 minutes somewhere warm. In the meantime, whack up your oven for the roast spuds, and use the juices in the roasting tin to make gravy.