COUSIN ATHALIA
(Robert Schmertz)

Way down under in far-off Australia
Where summertime comes when it’s winter up here,
I’ve a kangaroo cousin, my cousin Athalia,
And I hear from her twice, maybe three times a year.
My kangaroo cousin has such a nice fam’ly
And a husband she won at a Kangaroo Hop.
They had a quite recent vest pocket addition
Who looks like his ma but behaves like his pop.
From far-off Australia she phoned the glad news:
When she reversed the charges, I couldn’t refuse!

They named him Fitzpatrick Fitzwilliam Fitzsimmons
And it seems he’s turned into a terrible grouch.
He won’t drink his prune juice, won’t eat his persimmons
And refuses to leave the marsupial pouch.
He yips at his sisters, he yaps at his brothers,
He yells at his ma and he jeers at his pop.
He’s getting too big for Athalia’s vest pocket
And poor dear Athalia is ready to drop!
From far-off Australia Athalia made moan
And reversed it again on the overseas phone.

They speak to him sweetly, they speak to him gently:
“Fitzpatrick Fitzwilliam, please come out and play.”
But he sneers, “Heh, heh, heh!” when they threaten to spank him
“Cause he knows they can’t reach his ta-rah-boom-de-ay!
They tempt him with popsicles, tricycles, bicycles,
Whimsical articles, chocolate fudge,
Hick’ry nuts, hazelnuts, butternuts, coconuts -
He just says, “Nuts!” and refuses to budge.
Oh, cousin Athalia, don’t telephone me
Or I’ll owe all my dough to the A.T. and T!

I wrote to Athalia in far off Australia,
Suggesting they both try the clinical couch.
But with all the psychiatrist’s paraphernalia
He refuses to leave the marsupial pouch.
News pictures from Melbourne and Brisbane and Sydney
Depict young Fitzpatrick projecting his snoot.
He’s hamming it up just above her left kidney
And putting the stretch in Athalia’s best suit.
Athalia just phoned, wanted charges reversed:
I didn’t accept, so I don’t know the worst!