The Essex Wassail
1.Come all ye bold tosspots for' tis the New Year,
Pray weld on your baseball caps- and designer gear,
We'll go a binge drinking with language most foul,
Like rabid rotweilers through the streets of your town.

2. Happiness is a widescreen, if yer know warra mean,
We all love 'X Factor' and 'Pirates of the Caribbeen'.
So to celebrate good taste and with customary grace
We'll give you a knucklebutty or a glass in the face.

Chorus

Wassail, Wassail, from Essex we hail,
We'll drink gnatspiss lager and watch Jeremy Kyle, innit!
And like that used condom that floats in the loo,
We'll flush out the old year and welcome the new!

3. From the taxis they tumble, those birds of a kind,
Call each other "baybs" as they eff and they blind,
Some they will pewk up and some later may score,
And some will call each other effin slags as they roll around the floor.

4. Now some will present the most wond'rous of sights,
As vast tattooed flab spills from dresses too tight,
Though their gobs they are mighty, their braincells are few,
As they paint the town red while they turn the air blue

Chorus: Wassail, wassail

5. We're on a hair trigger, blue lights, broken glass,
As we stagger on like lemmings from bar unto bar,
In the doorways we'll copulate, with gruntsw and with groans,
And celebrate with a selfie on our mobile phones

Chorus: Wassail, wassail

Now Christmas is passed, it's time to kick arse,
To the sound of rap music played out at full blast,
Toast the genius of Katie Price while we're in the toilet queue,
So let's tweet this Essex Wassail the whole nation through.

Wassail...