A few things Californians planning on moving to the Southland should know about grits:

1) Grits should be eaten seasoned with salt, pepper, and butter. Mixing unseasoned grits with milk and sugar is a northerly affectation transfered to the Southland by oatmeal and Cream of Wheat eaters. It is an abomination.

2) Grits are a side dish, not a meal. Do not attempt to show native southerners how fond you are of grits by diving into a big bowl of them all by themselves. They will think you are an idjit.

3) On the grocer's shelf, you will find three types of grits: old-fashioned, instant, and quick.

   A) Old-fashioned grits are what your great-grandmother cooked (if she was a southerner). They cook in a about a half-hour (which will probably feel like half a day). Buy them only if you have nothing better to do with thirty minutes of your life than stir a pot of grits.

   B) Instant grits are basically pre-cooked and reconstituted. Just add hot water, wait a minute or so, and you have a bowl of grits-like substance. Most southerners consider them to be an abomination. If you choose to buy them, remember to have them rung up by the cashier with green hair and multiple piercings. She may be sufficiently clueless to not realize you are buying instant grits and may not smirk at you. Do not use self-service checkout if buying instant grits. The machines are programmed to say, "Ya ain't from around here, are ya?" when a box of instant grits is scanned.

   C) Quick grits are the way to go. They cook in the same five minutes it takes to cook two sausage patties and two scrambled eggs. Just mix one part grits to three parts water in a pot, get 'em boiling, turn 'em down to simmer, and stir 'em every time you get a chance. If they stick or turn out lumpy, ya ain't stirring enough. Do it right next time. Purty darned simple.

4) Cheese grits are for eating with fried catfish, not for breakfast. Unless, that is, if you're having catfish for breakfast.

5) It is perfectly legal to mix grits, eggs, and chopped bacon or sausage together into a big ol' mess on your plate, though it is best to engage in the practice at home. It is tolerated at Waffle House, but frowned upon during Sunday brunch at the Hilton.

6) Some supermarkets in California do sell grits to satisfy the needs of transplanted southerners. You may want to pick up a bag and get your chops together before wading in with the big boys. If you do so, it would be wise to discard the unused portion of uncooked grits. Do not attempt to transport them across Arizona and New Mexico. In the event your vehicle is searched, the police in those states will not recognize grits as food and may detain you on suspicion of smuggling some new sort of drug.

7) "Grits" is both singular and plural. There is no such thing as "a grit". Using this grammatical idiosyncrasy as a basis for "humor" will instantly mark you as a non-southerner. Real southerners grew tired of those kind of "jokes" back in elementary school.