Henry's mysongbook.de has this Scottish version.

WHAT IF THE RUSSIANS DON'T COME?
(Philip Hoos)

Glasgow has a plan for its civil defence
So we'd know where to go when things get tense
My wife sewed directions in my underclothes
I know what to do when the big whistle blows
We held a rehearsal last Saturday night
And all things considered Glasgow did all right
Except for that time when a bus tried to pass
It took us three hours to clean up the glass

But-
What if the Russians don't come
What if they like where they're from
What if they're not in the mood to invade
What if they're tired, or drunk, or afraid
What would we do if their generals just said, this is dumb
What if the Russians don't come

I've heard about Russians since I was a tyke
So here's what I know about what they are like
They don't believe in God, they don't have no fun
They're brainwashed, they're dull, and they all weigh a ton
And in the Olympics whenever we meet
Their women are men, and their judges all cheat
Maybe you shouldn't rely just on me
I've not seen a Russian except on TV

What if the Russians have lives
What if their husbands have wives
Who, if they come home late from work on the bus
They have to make dinner for children who fuss
They may be too tired to come put us under their thumb
What if the Russians don't come

Our leaders said we're behind in the race
We needed those missiles to keep up the pace
If we don't stay up there lap after lap
The Russians will tumble us right off the map
Well, I'm getting slow and sometimes I forget
What I've got against all these folks I ain't met
I can't understand that they'd want World War Three
Could it be they are wondering the same about me

What if the Russians are scared
What if they're quite unprepared
What if poor Ivan's as worried as I am
Worried about Maggie and old Uncle Sam
Why don't we stop before one of us does something dumb
What if the Russians don't come

(as sung by Iain MacKintosh)