Oh this is easy! I found all the answers to these and all life's other important questions in recent Mudcat threads.

1. How often does Rick buy a new guitar following the behaviour modification programme initiated by Duckboots?

Only on Saturdays.

2. What is the maximum length moustache limb that can be successfully tuned using a Catspaw-brand Brazilian rosewood Aussie-Amish pitchfork moustache tuner?

Six and a half inches.

3. What do female Mudcat accordion players use for protection whilst posing for the nearly-nude Mudcat calendar?

Polo mints.

4. What is the most common excuse used by Mudcatters accused by the police of unnatural practices with a possum?

It wasn't me - it must have been the dog.

5. What were the exact words uttered by Alan of Australia to Big Mick who was "rising to the occasion" repairing Alison's car in a K-Mart in Sydney one hot afternoon?

Not with that on your head you won't

mcmoo