A visiting General was due to make an inspection at an army camp. The squaddies had been hard at it polishing, painting and cleaning. When the General came over the hill, he saw the whitewashed buildings and polished brass fittings gleaming in the sunlight. Far from being pleased, he took the Commanding Officer to task for making the camp such an obvious target for the enemy. He ordered the camp to be repainted in camouflage colours before his next visit.

When he returned the next month, he was amazed to find a pastoral scene where the camp should have been - fields of wheat, sheep on the hillside, cows in the pasture, a thatched cottage with a wisp of smoke coming from the chimney.
He had to check his map to make sure he was in the right place. As he made his way towards where thought the gate should be, a tree suddenly ran out in front of his car.
"STAND STILL!" he yelled. The tree came to an abrupt stop, standing to attention and giving a smart salute.
"Do you realise that you have given away an almost perfect deception? Explain yourself!"

"Sorry sir" said the tree. "When a bird made a nest in my hair and laid an egg down the back of my shirt, I stood there for Queen and country."
"When a dog cocked its leg and peed down my leg, I stood there for Queen and country"
" but I draw the line when a squirrel runs up my trousers and shouts: " oh goody, nuts. I'll have one now and save one for winter"