I was looking for the lyrics for this and found them here as performed by Arthur Askey:

Christening

An image of an album at Discogs credits Kenneth Blain as composer. Blain also wrote the Bee Song amongst others.

THE CHRISTENING

At our church one day last week--
Say, are you listening? I went to a christening:
Little pink kid, quite small, brand new,
And it was some christening too!

There was Parson Brown in a big white gown,
And the mother with the baby walking up and down.
There was Granny with a grin, 'cause she'd had a drop of gin,
In a vest and a tucker like a brand new pin,

Little sister Ginnie in a nice clean pinnie,
And the father of the child looking just like a ninny.
There was old Grandpa, whiskers down the bar,
Just like a billy goat, "Bah, bah, bah!"

Child was howling and Granny said "Flo,
Turn it over, for goodness sake, it must have the tummy ache."
Little pink kid, quite small, brand new,
And it was some christening too!

There was Auntie and her daughter and a pot full of water
And Willie sucking toffee though they said he hadn't oughter.
There was little cousin Nell like Psyche at the well
Standing by the font and grinning like a fool.

There was old Ben Birch taking care of the church,
Looking like someone had left him in the lurch,
All wobbling at the knees, rattling his keys,
Standing all alone like a piece of cheese.

You couldn't see the kid for miles of lace.
"Gee," said its sister Kate, "I'm sure it'll suffocate."
Little pink kid, quite small, brand new,
And it was some christening too.

Then the child's godmother, some relation or another,
Made a grab for the child and she took it from the mother,
And gave it with a frown, to Parson Brown,
Who promptly held the poor child upside down.

He turned very red, as the grandmother said,
"You'll have all the blood rushing into its head!"
He said, "Oh dear! My mistake, I fear,
I thought the child's face looked very very queer!"

The kid made a noise like a small typhoon,
Gran saved the company, she just said "Ooh, pardon me!"
Little pink kid, quite small, brand new,
And it was some christening too!

Then the parson he held up the child so wee,
Said to the father, "What's his name to be?"
Granny full of glee, with a "Ha, ha he!" said,
"Say, Mr Parson, ain't a he, it's a she!"

The mother, I declare, said, "Her names, dear sir,
Are Annie Martha Mary Ellen Florrie Eva Bear."
The parson gave a snorter, his breath became shorter.
He nearly dropped the poor kid all among the water.

The kid made a grab for his whiskers grey,
Then volunteered to climb up his beard,
And little pink kid, quite small, brand new,
And it was some christening too!

Then the parson full of grief made the ceremony brief,
And he handed back the child to the mother with relief.
And he heaved a sigh as he said, "Oh my!
The child's now christened and so am I!"

Then the verger's lower lip started visibly to dip.
Granny said his countenance had given her the pip.
Then the poor kid cried, the father sighed,
The family formed up and tramped outside.

Father with a wink said, "Come and have a drink!"
Gran very softly said, "Just to wet the baby's head!"
Little pink kid, quite small, brand new,
And it was some christening too!

And the same thing happened to me and you,
And it was some christening too!

LFF