Praise:

Hmm... I'm a Christian. If I were a better Christian, I would have to stop making bootleg copies of sheet music and recordings - that would affect my musical life.

Also, there's definitely an element of pride (in the seven deadly sins sense) in my musical life. If I were a better Christian, I would probably have less desire to perform and hear applause, and when playing with others, I would have less desire to play fancy and be more happy to just keep strumming chords and let others shine.

If I were a better Christian, I would play less music. I find that there is a conflict between music and God for who will be my first love. The balance between how much of my time goes to practice and how much goes to prayer, meditation, and service of others would have to shift drastically if I decided to really put God first in my life.

For example, many Sundays I have the choice between two churches: going to mass, where my soul is nourished, or going to a United service, which feels more like a meeting than church to me BUT the choir likes to have me bring my fiddle and play descants to their hymns. (No offense intended to Protestants here - I don't mean to even remotely suggest that your services don't feed YOUR souls). I consistently choose the "gig" over the opportunity to commune with God.

Actually, if I really wanted to follow Jesus, I wouldn't be able to play my instruments at all, because I would have to sell them and give the money to the poor. Though I could still sing and write songs if I did that, I'm not planning to do it any time soon.

Jon Freeman:

Jon! Are you getting somebody to help you? Suicidal fantasy is a great big symptom for clinical depression, which is not a "mode" but a disease that responds to medical intervention. Jesus and friendly support will help, but not nearly as much as the right therapy/drugs will. Depression is not something to be trifled with - it is often fatal - and it isn't up to you to just get over it anymore than victims of other diseases should be expected to just tough it out. Please let us know what you are doing about getting help for yourself - your post was frightening.

Marion