A holiday, a holiday, and the rain it was falling hard,
Lord Donald's wife went into town with her husband's credit card.
And when the spending it was done, she went back to where her car was parked,
And there she saw little Matty Groves, nicking sat-navs in the dark.

'Come home with me, little Matty Groves, come home with me tonight,
And I will do such things to you, as will make your hair turn white.'
'I can't come home, I won't come home, I can't come home for my life,
'Cos I see from your personal number plate you are Lord Donald's wife.'

'What if I am Lord Donald's wife, Lord Donald he has gone,
Down to the pub in ......., a'playing his melodeon.'

'I can't come home, I won't come home, I can't come home with you,
For I'm due in court in half an hour, for nicking a Subaru.'
'You can come home, you must come home, you can come home today,
I'm very good friends with a magistrate, he'll make it go away.'

'I can't come home, 'cos if I did, I'd be no use to you,
I've had a quart of Bacardi Breezer, and six tins of Special Brew.'
'You can come home, you must come home, I know it'll be all right,
There's nothing much on telly, so you can take all night.'

At this a servant standing by began to grow quite vexed,
He swore Lord Donald he would know, so he sent him off a text.
And when Lord Donald read the news, he began to swear and cuss,
He threw his melodeon back in its box, and jumped on the very next bus.

And when he came to his own bedroom, he peeped around the door,
His lady wife and Matty Groves, still at it on the floor.
And then Lord Donald turned him around, and hurried from the room,
He came back with his camcorder, with twenty times optical zoom.

And when the filming it was done, it was sold to Channel 4,
The three of them got stinking rich, so they filmed a dozen more...