Dear John:

A) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Leviticus 1: 9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

No, don't smite them! It's not considered polite to smite neighbors. Simply ask them if adding a pinch of rosemary or perhaps your favorite bbq sauce would sufficiently mask the odor?

B) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21: 7. In this day & age, what would be a fair market price for her?

Unfortunately, market prices for your daughters is hard to set. You should direct your marketing efforts more specifically, based on her talents. Can she arrange flowers? A dinner for 32 people? Can she repot a withered Xmas poinsettia to re-bloom successfully for Easter?

You may also want to consider licensing, or leasing her talents rather than simply selling her.

C) I know I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15: 19-24). The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

This is difficult. It's not polite to simply ask. Perhaps a discreet sign in your living room and office would suffice.

D) Leviticus 25: 44 states that I may own slaves, both male & female,provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

Why not, indeed? Canadians are generally well trained in most modern tasks, and are housebroken to boot. Very easy to integrate into your household routines.

E) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35: 2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

No, you can hire someone to do it. Martha can recommend someone, if you like. God understands the concept of agents. He did send the angel to Mary, rather than appearing Him(Her)Self.

F) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree, can you settle this?

Martha prefers to eat shellfish herself, rather than homosexuals. But your preference may differ. Cuisine is definitely more eclectic these days.

G) Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20 20 or is there some wiggle room here?

Have you investigated Laser eye surgery?

H) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19:27. How should they die?

By innuendo and gossip at your favorite hairdresser's... Make the appointment now.

I) I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

Yes, permissible if wearing gloves; however they should be only the very best in gardening gloves. In a pinch, oven mitts worn with a matching apron are allowed.

J) My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting two crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton & polyester blend). He tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24: 10-16). Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20: 14)?

Yes, a private family affair is preferable in this case. Catered of course, and you should have a suitable party theme, with appropriate hats and table decorations. You may want to invite neighbors and relatives that annoy you. It may give them a subtle hint to behave.

Rich McCarthy