From the sacred Daily Mash, which usually manages to inject a grain of truth...

THE Conservative MP accused of assaulting a Greenpeace protester has apologised to fellow dinner guests for not using lethal force.

Mark Field protected fellow diners from the risk of a person who they may not have agreed with by removing her safely by the neck, but admitted he was criminally negligent for not bringing a weapon with him.

He continued: “I should never have gone to the annual Merchants and Bankers Dinner at Mansion House without being tooled up. What was I thinking?


“I’ve got a whole arsenal at home – pull the Thatcher memoir from the shelves, the wall opens up, 31 guns and 18 edged weapons, backlit – but I had to use my hands, and Parliament’s made me soft.

“What I should have done? Backwards out of the chair, tuck and roll, two warning shots into the torso, tuck and roll into cover, blindfire six rounds, tuck and roll, double-tap to the head.

“Bish bosh. Job done. Round of applause.”

When informed that he may be charged with assault, Field said: “But she’s a lefty.”