Did I ever tell you about my whore's pasta, spaghetti alla puttanesca? Takes as long as it takes the spaghetti (dried, not fresh - this dish is store cupboard only!) to boil.

For two people. Get 250g spaghetti on to boil in salted water. No oil. Get a big, heavy, shallow pan and put two big glugs of extra virgin olive oil in it. Add dried chilli flakes to taste (it's supposed to be pretty spicy), two cloves of garlic finely sliced (not crushed) and three or four anchovy fillets out of a tin. Sauté that lot for a couple of minutes then add about 2/3 of a tin of tomatoes, a tablespoon of capers, about 100g of pitted black olives out of a tin (chop them up a bit), a handful of chopped fresh parsley (optional) and some pepper. When the spag is al dente, drain it and quickly throw it into the sauce (it's always worth keeping a splash of pasta water in reserve). Mix thoroughly. No Parmesan. Get it right and it's a masterpiece. Nigella suggests serving it wearing a tight low-cut dress and garish red lipstick with a cigarette hanging out of your mouth.

We've taken to eating any pasta dish the Italian way. Just a fork, no spoon, no knife, just a lot of slurping keeping over the bowl. Ottimo! We're having gnocchi alla Sorrentina tonight. Lovely long stringy bits of mozzarella, a challenge to the consumer!