THE SAGA OF ESKIMO NELL

1. WHEN MEN GROW OLD THEIR BALLS GROW COLD
AND THE END OF THEIR NOBS TURN BLUE
THEY LOOK BACK ON A LIFE OF YUKON STRIFE
AND CAN TELL YOU A THING OR TWO

2. SO BUY ME A DRINK AND I WILL THINK
AND A WONDERFUL TALE I WILL TELL
OF DEAD EYED DICK AND MEXICAN PETE
AND A HARLOT NAMED ESKIMO NELL

3. I`LL TELL YOU A TALE OF THE YUKON
WHERE IT`S FIFTY DEGREES BELOW
WHERE IT`S SO DAMN COLD FRENCH LETTERS ARE SOLD
WRAPPED UP IN BUNDLES OF SNOW

4. WHERE SKELETONS RATTLE IN SEXUAL BATTLE
NEATH THE LIGHT OF THE ARCTIC NIGHT
IT`S ONE LONG FUCK FROM DAWN TO DUSK
AND THEIR PARSON AGREES THAT IT`S RIGHT

5. AYE A PLACE WHERE THERES PLENTY OF SEX LIFE
AND FOLKS THAT ARE STERILE ARE FEW
WHERE ALL THE WHORES WEAR FUR-LINED DRAWS
AND THE BROTHELS ARE ICEBOUND IGLOOS

6. AWAY ON A FAR DISTANT ICE CAP
DWELT A FLOZZIE OF NATIONWIDE FAME
SHE WOULD TAKE FRONT OR BACK IN A LITTLE WOOD SHACK
AND ESKIMO NELL WAS HER NAME

7. NOW IN THE SLUMP OF THIRTY ONE
WHEN WAGES WERE RATHER POOR
THE PRICE OF FUCK WAS HALF A BUCK
WHICH DOESN`T MUCH DO A WHORE

8. YES THE SLUMP HIT POOR NELL GOOD AND PROPER
SHE DECIDED TO LEAVE HER LAND
SHE FOUND OUT WHERE THE PRICES WERE HIGHER
AND SET OUT FOR THE RIO GRANDE

9. THE SCENE SHIFTS TO THE GREAT BEAR LAKE
A PLACE WHERE ITS EQUALLY COLD
WHERE IN A SHACK IN THE BACK OF BEYOND
THERE LIVED TWO TRAPPERS BOLD

10. WHEN DEAD EYED DICK AND MEXICAN PETE
WERE UNABLE TO FIND A WHORE
IT WAS PETE THE CUNT WHO BORE THE BRUNT
WHICH MEANT THAT HIS ARSE WAS SORE

11. NOW DEAD EYED DICK AND MEXICAN PETE
HAD BEEN WORKING DEAD MANS CREEK
AND THEY`D HAD NO LUCK BY WAY OF A FUCK
FOR WELL NIGH OVER A WEEK

12. JUST A MOUSSE OR TWO OR A CARIBOU
OR A BISON ASTRAY OR SO
BUT DEAD EYED DICK WAS THE KING OF PRICKS
AND HE THOUGHT SUCH FUCKING SLOW

13. SO DEAD EYED DICK WITH HIS MIGHTY PRICK
AND PETE WITH HIS GUN IN HIS HAND
LEFT DEAD HAND CREEK FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK
AND MADE FOR A BETTER LAND

14. AND AS THEY BLAZED THEIR RANDY TRAIL
NO MAN THEIR FIRE WITHSTOOD
AND MANY A BRIDE WHO WAS HUBBIES PRIDE
SAW PREGNANT WIDOWHOOD

15. THEY HIT THE SHORES OF THE RIO GRANDE
AT THE TOP OF A BLAZING NOON
AND TO SLAKE THEIR THIRST AND DO THEIR WORST
THEY SOUGHT BAD MIKES SALOON

16. THEY STOPPED TO SURVEY THE PROSPECTUS
OF PRICES PER PERSON PER WHORE
A CENT A THRUST TILL THE MAIDENHEAD BUST
AND THEREAFTER TWENTY CENTS MORE

16. THEN AS THEY CRASHED THROUGH THE SWINGING DOORS
BOTH PRICK AND GUN FLASHED FREE
ACCORDING TO SEX YOU DRUNKEN WRECKS
YOU DRINKS OR FUCKS WITH ME

17. THEY KNEW THIS TRICK OF DEAD EYED DICK
FROM THE HORN TO PANAMA
SO WITH NOTHING WORSE THAN A MUTTERED CURSE
THE DAGOS ALL SOUGHT THE BAR

18. THE WOMAN ALL KNEW HIS PLAYFULL WAY
FROM CAPE CODE TO THE RIO GRANDE
SO FORTY WHORES PULLED DOWN THEIR DRAWERS
AT DEAD EYED DICKS COMMAND

19. THEY SAW THE FINGERS OF MEXICAN PETE
TWITCH ON THE TRIGGER GUARD
AS NONE DARED WAIT
AT THEIR FASTEST RATE THEY ALL BEGAN TO DISCARD

20. MEANWHILE DICK WAS BREATHING QUICK
WITH LECHEROUS SNORTS AND GRUNTS
AS FORTY ARSES BROUGHT TO VIEW
TO SAY NOTHING OF FORTY CUNTS

21. AND AS YOU`LL SEE IF YOU USE YOUR WITS
AND YOU`RE GOOD AT ARITHMETIC
FORTY ARSES AND FORTY CUNTS
MEAN ALSO EIGHTY TITS

22. NOW FOUR SCORE TITS ARE A WONDERFULL SIGHT
TO A MAN WITH A MIGHTY STAND
IT MAY BE RARE IN BERKELEY SQUARE
BUT IT AINT ON THE RIO GRANDE

23. DEAD EYED DICK HAD FUCKED A FEW
THE LAST PRECEEDIN NIGHT
BUT HE`D JUST DONE THIS BY WAY OF FUN
KINDA WETTING HIS APPETITE

24. HIS PHALLIC LIMB WAS IN FIGHTING TRIM
HE BACKED UP AND TOOK A RUN
HE MADE A JUMP AT THE NEAREST CUNT
AND SCORED A HOLE IN ONE

25. HE BORE THAT WHORE TO THE SANDY FLOOR
AND FAIRLY FUCKED HER FINE
AND THOUGH SHE GRINNED
IT FAIR PUT THE WIND UP THE OTHER THIRTY NINE

26. NOW DEAD EYE DICK HE FUCKS EM QUICK
SO HE CASTS THE FIRST ASIDE
HE MAKES A DART AT THE NEAREST TART
WHEN THE DOORS OPENED WIDE

27. AND THERE ENTERS INTO THAT HOUSE
OF SIN INTO THE HARLOTS HELL
A LUSTY MAID WHO WAS NOT AFRAID
AND HER NAME WAS ESKIMO NELL

28. DEAD EYED DICK HAD JUST GOT HIS PRICK
WELL INTO NUMBER TWO
WHEN ESKIMO NELL LET OUT A YELL
AND SHOUTED TO HIM HI YOU

29. HE GAVE A FLICK OF HIS MUSCULAR PRICK
AND THE GIRL FLEW OVER HIS HEAD
AS HE TURNED ABOUT WITH A SNARLING SHOUT
HIS KNEES AND KNOB GLOWED RED

30. WITH A LUSTFUL LEER HE SAID LOOK HERE
NOW TAKE YOUR PLACE IN THE QUEUE
I`VE GOT TO MATE WITH THE THIRTY EIGHT
BEFORE I COME TO YOU

31. BUT ESKIMO NELL SHE STOOD IT WELL
AS SHE LOOKED HIM BETWEEN THE EYES
AND SHE GAZED AT HIS HORN WITH FATHOMLESS SCORN
AS IT ROSE FROM HIS HAIRY THIGHS

32. SAID ESKIMO NELL TO DEAD EYED DICK
IN ACCENT CLEAR AND COOL
YOU CUNT STRUCK SHRIMP OF A YANKEE PIMP
YOU CALL THAT THING A TOOL

33. IF THIS LITTLE TOWN CAN`T TAKE THAT DOWN
SHE SNEERED TO THE CROWD OF WHORES
THERE`S ONE LITTLE CUNT THAT CAN DO THE STUNT
THATS ESKIMO NELLS NOT YOURS

34. SHE BLEW A WHIFF FROM HER CIGARETTE
ACROSS HIS STEAMING KNOB
AND SO UTTERLY BEAT WAS MEXICAN PETE
THAT HE CLEAR FORGOT HIS JOB

35. SHE STRIPPED HER GARMENTS ONE BY ONE
WITH AN AIR OF CONSCIOUS PRIDE
AND AS SHE STOOD IN HER WOMANHOOD
THEY COULD ALL SEE THE GREAT DIVIDE

36. SHE LAID HERSELF ON A TABLE TOP
WHERE SOMEONE HAD STOOD A GLASS
WITH A FLICK OF HER TITS CRUSHED IT TO BITS
TWEEN THE CHEEKS OF HER MIGHTY ARSE

37. SHE FLEXED HER KNEES WITH SUPPLE EASE
AND SPREAD HER LEGS APART
WITH A FRIENDLY NOD TO THE RANDY SOD
SHE GAVE HIM HIS CUE TO START

38. HE WINKED HIS ARSEHOLE ONCE OR TWICE
AND HIS BALLS INCREASED IN SIZE
AND HIS MIGHTY PRICK GREW TWICE AS THICK
AND NEARLY REACHED HIS EYES

39. HE POLISHED IT UP WITH ALCOHOL
TO MAKE IT STEAMING HOT
AND TO FINISH THE JOB HE SPRINKLED THE LOT
WITH CAYENNE PEPPER POT

40. HE DIDN`T RUN
NOR TAKE A FLYING LEAP
HE DIDN`T SWOOP BUT SEEMED TO STOOP
AND ADVANCED WITH A STEADY CREEP

41. WITH PIERCING EYES HE LAID A SIGHT
ALONG HIS MAMMOTH TOOL
AND THE DEAD SLOW WAY HE PUT IT IN
WAS CALCULATING AND COOL

42. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE PISTONS WORK
ON A GIANT C.P.R.
WITH THE DRIVING FORCE OF A THOUSAND HORSE
THEN YOU KNOW WHAT PISTONS ARE

43. YOU THINK YOU DO BUT I`M TELLING YOU
YOU HAVEN`T GOT A CLUE
OF THE WORK THATS DONE ON A NON-STOP RUN
BY DEAD EYED DICK MCGREW

44. BUT ESKIMO NELL WAS A BROAD HIPPED BELLE
WITH A REALLY THOUGH CONSTRUCTION
SHE`D THE STRENGTH OF TEN IN HER ABDOMEN
AND A PARALYSING SUCTION

45. AMIDSHIPS SHE COULD STAND THE STRAIN
OF A FLUSH LIKE A WATER CLOSET
AND SHE GRIPPED HIS COCK LIKE A CHATWOOD LOCK
IN THE NATIONAL SAFE DEPOSIT

46. NOW DEAD EYED DICK DIDN`T MEAN TO COME
AND HE MEANT TO SAVE HIS POWERS
FOR IF HE`D A MIND HE COULD STAND A GRIND
FOR NIGH ON A COUPLE OF HOURS

47. NELL LAY FOR A WHILE WITH A DREAMY SMILE
TILL THE THROB OF HER CUNT GREW KEENER
THEN WITH A RAPTUROUS SIGH SHE SUCKED HIM DRY
WITH THE EASE OF A VACUM CLEANER

48. AND NOW MY FRIEND WE COME TO THE END
OF THIS COPULATING EPIC
THE EFFECT ON DICK WAS SHORT AND QUICK
AND AKIN TO ANAESTHETIC

49. HE DROPPED TO THE FLOOR AND KNEW NO MORE
HIS PASSION EXTINCT AND DEAD
GIVING ONE LOUD SHOUT AS HIS TOOL CAME OUT
AND THEY KNEW SHE HAD STRIPPED HIS THREAD

50. THEN MEXICAN PETE JUMPED TO HIS FEET
TO AVENGE HIS PAL`S AFFRONT
HIS LONG NOSE COLT WITH A TEARING JOLT
HE RAMMED RIGHT INTO HER CUNT

51. HE SANK IT HARD TO THE TRIGGER GUARD
AND FIRED IT 1 2 3
BUT TO HIS SUPRISE SHE JUST CLOSED HER EYES
WITH A SMILE OF ECSTASY

52. HE STOOD FOR A WHILE IN AMAZEMENT
FEELING JUST LIKE A BLOODY FOOL
WHILE A HORRIFIED MAID TRIED TO RENDER FIRST AID
TO DEAD EYED DICKS RUINED TOOL

53. AGAIN IT FELL TO ESKIMO NELL
TO BREAK THE SEXUAL SPELL
YOU GODDAM PUNK YOU CROSS EYED SKUNK
YOUR PASSIONS YOU MUST QUELL

54. YOU`D BETTER GO BACK TO YOUR TRAPPING
WHERE THERE AREN`T ANY GIRLS THAT ARE NICE
BUT BEFORE WE END LETS PART AS FRIENDS
LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE ADVICE

55. WHEN NEXT MY FRIEND YOU DO INTEND
TO SALLY FORTH FOR SOME FUN
PICK DEAD EYED DICK AND ARMOURED PRICK
AND YOURSELF A 12-BORE GUN

56. OR EVEN THE TRUNK OF A DOUGLAS FIR
IF YOU REALLY WANT TO RAPE
THOUGH I MUST ADMIT THATS TOO TIGHT A FIT
TO LET THE GAS ESCAPE

57. I THOUGHT YOU JERKS COULD GIVE ME THE WORKS
SHE ENDED IN ACCENTS COOL
BUT I GUESS I MUST GO TO THE LAND OF THE SNOW
TO FIND ME A MAN WITH A TOOL

58. SO NELLIE WENT BACK TO THE YUKON
TO THE LAND WHERE SPUNK IS SPUNK
NOT A STREAM OF LUKE WARM CREAM
BUT A SOLID FROZEN CHUNK

59. BACK TO THE LAND OF THE FROZEN NORTH
WHERE THEY KNOW HOW TO COPULATE
WHERE THE LUSTY DEAD LIE TWO IN A BED
AND THE BABIES MASTURBATE

60. BACK TO THE FAR DISTANT ICE CAP
WHERE FRENCH LETTERS ARE MADE OF TIN
WHERE THE WOMEN WEAR BARBED WIRE JAM RAGS
AND THE MENSTRUAL STREAM IS PURE GIN

61. POOR DEAD EYED DICK AND MEXICAN PETE
HAVE NOW LEFT THE RIO GRANDE
DEAD EYED DICK WITH HIS RUINED PRICK
AND PETE A 12-BORE IN HIS HAND

62. YES THE`VE BOTH GONE BACK TO THAT LITTLE LOG SHACK
WHERE THEY`RE PRACTISING NIGHT AND DAY
WITH ICE PACKS COOL DICK HEALS HIS TOOL
TO PREPARE FOR THE NEXT AFFRAY

63. WHILE MEXICAN PETE HAS HIS 12-BORE GUN
WHICH HE FLOURISHES ROUND WITH VIM
FIRING HIS BLANKS UP DEAD EYED`S PANTS
AND DREAMING OF NELLIES QUIM
THE END

Hello
This was sent out to Royal Navy ships during the 1980`s over Telex. I have the original printout.
Remember this being done on ship as a Sods opera and many of the older matelots could recite the whole thing. Was also done when drinking and nominating the next person to carry it on, with forfeit if not correct.
A few words used that saw use in the navy such as broad hipped (ship), vim and fathomless that are not seen in the other version. Some different ordering of stanza plus a few other additions.
Other words are left spelt wrong as this is how they appear in the original and depending on how they are pronounced give different connotations most obvious being ANAESTHETIC - anus thectic and the use of FULL instead of ful.
Hope you enjoy,
busterkeeton