MYRTLE THE TURTLE
© Bernard Bolan
"Eric Bogle once said:
'And I thought I was half mad until you started
writing songs about turtles running banks.'
He's probably right." - Bernard Bolan


I've got a little pet and his name is Frank
He's always very wet, 'cos I keep him in a tank
In my office, in a city bank,
A long-necked turtle is my little mate, Frank.
A long-necked turtle, his mother called him Myrtle,
'Til he started doing what a Myrtle doesn't do
But the bank's been booming since he came on deck
'Cos he isn't just a pretty face and one long neck.

I got him as an egg at a very early age.
I thought he'd be a budgie, so I put him in a cage.
Got a little ladder, and a little bag of seed,
And a book on budgies for my wife to read.
When she saw him hatch out, she saw there was a catch out -
"Funny bloody colour, and he's got four wings!
"Isn't very cuddly, in fact he's bloody ugly,
"Falls off his ladder, and he never sings."

But once in my office, and swimming in his tank
He soon became immersed in the business of the bank
Noted each deposit, and every payment made,
Who was overdrawn or who had not been paid.
He continued learning,
soon he showed a yearning
To influence decisions that I had to make.
So if you were penniless and had a loan to take
His neck would waddle and his head would shake.

Last week, Frank created quite a stink
When his pocket calculator went upon the blink
Banging on his window, water everywhere,
Threw his bowler hat in my maiden hair.
Soon he got a better one, albeit a wetter one
Back in business was my little mate Frank.
Tap tap tapping, he was underway,
We took over Westpac the following day.

Very soon the profit of the company had soared.
Frankie was appointed as the Chairman of the board.
A company tank with water weeds and lights
A little lady turtle to warm his nights
When he started wooing, nearly brought us ruin
His mind was of'n'on the job, - and he was too!
But the phase soon passed, and we all gave thanks,
Now there's lots of little turtles, little Franks and Myrtles,
Shaking and a'nodding all the livelong day.

So if you're having trouble with your banks,
Be sure to be kind to the turtles in the tanks.
And if you get your money, you can all give thanks
To the little Myrtle turtles and their long-necked Franks.

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