Well, John, I honestly can't understand anyone needing to avoid alcohol or caffeine wanting to drink the stripped substitutes, but that's just me, so don't shoot. It's a bit like wanting to eat those Linda McCartney veggie "sausages" or those "lamb" chops (that are the same actual shape and colour as real lamb chops but which are made of some woven, flavoured fungus or something). I didn't start drinking coffee until I was 60 (on holiday in Venice, where I found that a decent cup of tea could not be obtained), but was rapidly converted. I have a bean-to-cup coffee machine and I make our coffee strong from Lavazza Red Label beans, which I keep in an airtight tin in the fridge. I will not consume instant coffee (pure biz), cafetière coffee or anything at all made from powdery stuff of any kind, so I can't think that decaf would do it for me.

Every now and then my morning coffee gives me a temporary headache (as can sex), and can make me feel a bit hot, but the benefits totally outweigh those short-lived inconveniences. To me, a mug of real coffee is a bastion of civilisation. Coffee does not make me stay awake either. I can easily take two big ones per day, but just the one is the norm. Four or five mugs of tea per day, however. No probs there, though I've learned to avoid late-night chocolate binges. I can still taste it next morning, and I suspect that, were I to inadvertently breathe in Mrs Steve's direction in bed, my secret indulgence would be betrayed, with unspeakable consequences...