This is it as Ian wrote it - any errors will be very minor. I'm about certain that the "If it's going cheap ..." verse is a later addition. Ian's satire was very clever, not crude.

The New Style Crofters Song

From Brighton and from Kensington and Aldershot we've come,
And we want to buy a cottage here in Skye,
With at least a hundred acres and a view of Eigg and Rhum,
And seclusion, for we're really rather shy.

Electricity and gas we want, and water from the mains,
Easy access from the nearest motorway,
With connections to the telephones and to the sewage drains,
And a Gaelic name that's not too hard to say!

The house must be authentic as a Hebridean croft,
Central heating from the peats upon the fire,
With the space for a solarium and sauna in the loft,
Fitted carpets in the stable and the byre.

Electricity and gas we want, and water from the mains,


We'll arrange to have it surveyed for an architect's report
That there's a damp-proof course below the hardwood floor,
That the walls are made of granite and the windows not too short,
And that there's double mortice locks upon each door.

Electricity and gas we want, and water from the mains,

To keep our poodles company, we'll breed Jersey cows and goats;
We'll make money selling buttermilk and cheese;
From the Highland Board we'll get a grant to make wee plastic boats
And to titled friends we'll offer B and B's.

Electricity and gas we want, and water from the mains,