I never wrote 32 piano sonatas, sixteen string quartets, five piano concertos and nine symphonies. They were all written by Steve Shaw at business meetings in a huge room, full of people wearing party hats who were blowing those retractable whistles (which is why there's a bum note in Op 59 no 2), a room bigger than Wembley Stadium, at which he saw wine and cheese but never touched a drop or scrap. Hardly.

In his dreams.

And I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Well, not that one anyway (er, which one did you mean, by the way...?)

Sincerely yours

Ludwig

Ps. When the Cabinet Secretary carried out his investigation, all he could find in the cabinet was a half-empty bottle of sweet sherry (all sticky and covered in cat hairs) that had been there for eight years. Larry the Downing Street cat has tearfully offered his resignation.