I became aware of this song by hearing a recording of “An Evening with Groucho” (1972) in which Groucho Marx sang the first verse and chorus, accompanied by Marvin Hamlisch on piano. The following is my transcription from the sheet music, which you can see at Indiana University. You can hear Groucho’s version at YouTube, which also has a more complete and much older version by Maurice Burkhart. The latter recording has quite different lyrics, but it would be difficult to transcribe.


OH, HOW THAT WOMAN COULD COOK
Words by Gus Kahn, music by Grace Le Boy, ©1914.

1. I once knew a woman who couldn’t spell “cat,”
And she was as homely as “cinch.”
In winter she always wore last summer’s hat,
And a size ‘leven shoe in a pinch.
When she played piano, weak women would faint
And strong men would cry out in grief,
While as for her singing, well, that made you feel
That it wasn’t so bad to be “deef.”
Yet still, she had company most ev’ry day,
And her looks and her voice couldn’t drive them away,
For—

CHORUS 1: Oh! How that woman could cook!
Her bread was like Angel’s Fool’s cake!
She could take soup meat and give it a look,
And it tasted like tenderhouse steak!
Her “Zup” had a flavor like peaches and cream,
Her pan-a-cakes, oh! What a beautiful dream!
With a table between us, she was pretty like Venus.
Ach Gott! How that woman could cook!

2. I once had a meal in a high-toned hotel,
Where the waiters was dressed up like dudes.
The crock’ry and silver was terrible swell,
But I did not care much for the foods.
I ordered “Con-soom-me” account of the name.
I said I’d be swell when in doubt.
It made me quite crazy to find when it came,
It was soup with the filling left out!
When I paid the waiter, I said: “Here’s a tip:
When you’re hungry to my friend’s house just take a trip,
For—

CHORUS 2: Oh! How that woman could cook!
I could not prescribe it to you!
She had receipts which was not in no book,
And what nobody else ever knew!
She made “Vegetabubbles” like never before,
And you “et” and you “et” till you couldn’t no more!
And her “Eysters” and fishes was simply delicious,
Ach Gott! How that woman could cook!

CHORUS 3: Oh! How that woman could cook!
I tell you the words won’t come out!
She made a pie called a plum pudding cake
And it simply would melt in your mouth!
Her strudels with noodles would just make you weep,
And when you drank her coffee, your feet fell asleep!
While her liver and onions would cure corns and bunions,
Ach Gott! How that woman could cook!