I do have to ask meself whether the powers that be have considered the metallic hue of the next jubilee should the Queen attain the age of 106. Have we ever gone beyond platinum? What metals are left? Uranium? Sodium? Lead? Alloy? Woods metal? Einsteinium? This is serious. This woman has staying power. We can't afford to wait until 2031 to crack this one, though that would be the British way...

I'm plumping for caesium. Yes, I can see it now. The divorcees William and Kate can't be involved. Charles, now in his eighties, won't be allowed out of his nursing home. Prinny Anne will be running a geriatric horse-riding school on the plains of Outer Mongolia. Boris Johnson will have been in jail for the last eight years, so he's out of it. Harry will be US president, so he won't be able to make it either.

So the Caesium Jubilee will have her maj at the helm...and the whole show will be run by...


Fergie and Nicholas Witchell! Can't wait!