Andrew W-R wrote this, to be sung to the tune of New York Girls. He recited it at the Mudcat Worldwide Singaround, and gave me permission to post it.

NEWBOROUGH BEACH
(Andrew W-R)

One sunny morn on Newborough Beach -
Such mornings are not many -
I met a maiden walking there,
Of clothes she had not any.

She said “Hi! I'm Nancy.
Don't you fancy
A little game of Volleyball
Upon this nudist beach?”

My shirt was off in seconds,
Next, my pants were gone,
But I, being very British,
Kept my socks and sandals on.

And I followed Nancy,
For I did fancy
A little game of volleyball
Upon that nudist beach.

She led me through the sand dunes;
My gaze ne'er left her ass,
Which jiggled as she wiggled
Through the clumps of marram grass.

And, watching Nancy,
I did fancy
a little more than volleyball
Upon that nudist beach.

She turned and caught me ogling
And did not seem to mind,
But did say I would have to leave
My camera behind.

So, to please Nancy,
Whom I did fancy,
I carefully stashed all my gear
Upon that nudist beach.

We walked a little further,
Then she began to run.
I gamely followed after her
Thinking it was all in fun.

And I chased Nancy,
Whom I did fancy,
Until she lost me in the trees
Along that nudist beach.

Disheartened, I retraced my steps
To where I'd stashed my gear.
When I got there, the sand was bare.
The footprints made it clear:

I'd been robbed by Nancy,
Whom I did fancy.
I was stranded bollock-naked there,
Upon that nudist beach.

I found some fly-tipped bin bags
And emptied one to wear,
Then walked back to the car park,
But my car... it wasn't there.

T'was driven off by Nancy,
Whom I did fancy,
My day had gone from bad to worse
Upon that nudist beach.

I walked the twenty miles home
With just a bin bag on.
I broke a window to get in
And my furniture was gone.

I was burgled by Nancy,
Whom I no longer fancy,
And I'm never going back again
To bloody Newborough Beach!

To the tune of New York Girls.

Thank you, Andrew!