This is one I remember we used to sing coming home from the "Orford" (it was a pub in Warrington) after chuckin' out time.


Sung to : - Dvorák: Humoresque No. 7 in G-Flat Major

If the gentlemen would please refrain
from urinating while the train
is standing at the platform to refuel.
Those who feel they must pass water
would they kindly ask the porter
for the bucket in their vestibule.

So while the train is in the station
Please refrain from urination
Have regard for railway property
If you want to pass some water
Go and ask the station's porter
He'll direct you to the nearest lavatory

Piddling while the train is moving
Is another way of proving
Control of hand and eye is very sure.
We like to keep our toilets neat
So please don't piss upon the seat
Or, what is much worse, s**t upon the floor.

If twenty quid you can afford,
Then pull that communication cord
Though you'll be that much poorer if you do.
But,if twenty quid you do not own,
Then leave the Fu***ng thing alone;
And that,my friend,is my advice to you !!

In the carriage there's a chain
That if you pull, it stops the train
There's a twenty pound fine if you are unwise
So, ladies if you're being molested
Wait until you've been divested
Or it isn't worth four fivers other wise

Newly weds within the carriage
Please don't consummate your marriage
While the train is standing here at Crewe.
Please restrain that natural function,
Till we get to Clapham Junction,
Where you'll find there's fu** all else to do.


Passengers should please refrain,
From throwing dog-ends down the drain;
To do a thing like that is not quite right;
Railway-workers on the line,
might try and catch them just in time,
And soggy fags are Fu***n' hard to light!.

There were a couple more verses but I can't remember 'em.