MRS JONES'S OPERATION
Written by Mabel Constanduros
(Before the NHS)

Coo! things are awful in this street.
I'll think I'll have to move
And find a more congenital location.
I led this street; I was a wow,
But things are different now
Since Mrs Jones has had her operation.

They fetched her in an ambulance.
I've been on a stretcher once
The day that I fell down the hole
The gas man made and was so swole.

Me verticals were black and blue.
They say I strained my whotsit too.
They say I did an awful lot
To things I never knew I got.

But now they treat me just like dirt.
I might be just a germ,
The lowest kind of maggot in creation.
You see I broke me own old bones.
The doctor carved up Mrs Jones
The day she had her silly operation.

Why people simply flocked to hear
The day I fell off Clacton Pier.
They brought their aunts and their cousins
And dogs and husbands by the dozens.

I let them share me compensation.
We had a lovely cold collation,
With beer and Spam all way around.
You know what Spam was by the pound.

But now all that's been forgotten.
Me Spam is fat and gone
And so's me bruises and me compensation.
They nod so casual Hello, Ma.
Have you seen Mrs Jones's scar?
I'm nobody; I've had no operation.

They go and make her cups of tea--
A thing they never done for me
Because she lets them in Free Gritis
To look at her appendicitis.

She keeps it on the mantle shelf.
I think its horrible meself.

Whilst me who's broke near every bone
At different time is left alone.

But rather than kowtow to her,
I'll simply leave the place.
I mean, it’s a ridiculous situation.
I've lived off accidents for years.
Her husband had to pay for hers--
An amateur that’s had an operation.