Dave indicated where his might have come from, Dick. Now I'm no aficionado of the poetic muse, but I can see that, in Dave's two verses, the last words of the first three lines rhyme and that the three lines in both verses all scan. There's something rather nice, even lyrical, about that. In contrast, the rhyming is broken in your two verses and one of your lines doesn't scan.

Would you care to tell us where your version comes from, Dick, and why you think (if indeed you do) yours is some sort of improvement?