Yebbut again, Doug, he calls me "Shaw." The last person who did that was my headteacher in 1977. He'd just come to the East End from a posh Scottish school and thought he could do his arrogant public school thing with us hard-bitten types in Poplar. One day, he hailed me from 30 yards behind me as I walked along the corridor one lunchtime: "Oh, Shaw, a word, if you don't mind..." I paused for 1.7 seconds, then carried on walking without turning round.

He never did anything like that again! I'm Steve, and if you call me anything else you can just bugger off!