Sam, Sam, Pick Oop Tha' Musket
or   SAM SMALL by Stanley Holloway


It occurred on the evening before Waterloo,
And troops were lined up on parade,
The Sergeant inspecting 'em he was a terror,
Of whom every man was afraid

All excepting one man who was in the front rank,
A man by the name of Sam Small,
And 'im and the Sergeant were both 'daggers drawn',
They thought 'nowt' of each other at all

As Sergeant walked past he was swinging his arms,
And he happened to brush against Sam,
And knocking his musket clean out of his hand,
It fell to the ground with a slam

'Pick it up' said Sergeant, abrupt like but cool,
But Sam with a shake of his head,
'Seeing as tha' knocked it out of me hand,
P'raps tha'll pick the thing up instead.

'Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket,'
The Sergeant exclaimed with a roar, Sam said
'Tha' knocked it doon, reet! then tha'll pick it oop,
Or it'll stay where it is on't floor

The sound of high words very soon reached the ears,
Of an Officer, Lieutenant Bird,
Who says to the Sergeant, 'Now what's all this ere?'
And the Sergeant told what had occurred.

'Sam, Sam, pick up tha' musket'
Lieutenant exclaimed with some heat,
Sam said, 'He knocked it down reet! Then he'll pick it oop,
Or it stays where it is, at me feet

It caused quite a stir when the Captain arrived,
To find out the cause of the trouble,
And every man there, all except Sam,
Was full of excitement and bubble.

'Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket',
Said Captain for strickness renowned,
Sam said 'He knocked it doon, Reet! so he'll pick it up,
Or it stays where it is on't ground

The same thing occurred when the Major and Colonel,
Both tried to get Sam to see sense,
But when Old Duke 'O Wellington came into view,
Well the excitement was really quite tense.

Up rode the Duke on a loverly white 'orse,
To find out the cause of the bother,
He looked at the musket and then at Old Sam,
And he talked to Old Sam like a brother

'Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket'
The Duke said as quiet as could be,
'Sam, Sam pick oop tha' musket,
Coom on lad, just to please me

'Alright Duke,' said Old Sam, 'just for thee I'll oblige,
And to show thee I meant no offence',
So Sam picked it up, Gradely, lad' said the Duke,
'Right-o boys... let battle commence.'

---

Note from Joe Offer: Author is apparently Stanley Holloway and Wolseley Charles, published in 1932 by Francis, Day & Hunter. Apparently, Holloway wrote the words and Charles wrote the music. I can't tell if this is true for all the "Sam Small" recitations.
https://www.sheetmusicwarehouse.co.uk/20th-century-songs-o/old-sam-sam-pick-oop-tha-musket-francis-and-days-musical-monologues-featuring-stanley-holloway/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOi7y9zhZGg

In the Digital Tradition as Sam, Sam, Pick Up Tha Musket