HEALTH AND BEAUTY
(Frank Sutton)

Says Old Sam to his missus
“What's ailing thee lass ?
I've a feeling tha's been taken queer
Tha missed Bingo last week
Into city tha went
Now tha eating fress fruit
With thi beer”


Said T'owld Lass
“Health and Beauty that's what it's about “
An elegant pose she stuck then
At least that's what she thought
Then Old Sam said
“Having trouble wi thi corset's again”


“I will treat that remark
With contempt it deserves
But tha'l laugh tother side of the face
When tha sees me dolled up
On a diet an all
And I walk with a step full of grace”

“On a diet “ , said Sam “does tha means thas to clam?
Eyup that's a goodun and reet”
“No it's only at mealtimes as I has to clam
In between times ought I fancy I'll eat”

Next morning to chemist shop Sam had to go
For beauty cream for Mrs Sam
“How much does tha want?”
Then Sam he replied
“Can tha fill us this five gallon can ?”

Towd Lass she sits down
In the mirror she smiles
Then she dips into five gallon can
And she plasters it over her face and her neck
“Tha looks better already “ says Sam

But after two or three weeks
Old Sam saw a change
Of Thowd Lass he was as proud as could be
She would exercise daily and have a quick dab
Under armpits with Oh Dough Ray Me

She never goes out in her curlers no more
And all neighbours admire in street
For as she says “You never know who you'll meet
When you nip across yard late at night”

So here's a good cheer to every young lass
And may Health and Beauty prevail
And if ever thas need of a five gallon can
Tha must need more fresh fruit with the ale