A bloke was on his own and well pissed in the pub, but quiet enough for the landlord to ignore him.

Suddenly he calls to the landlord, "Hey, guv, if I can score a bull on your dartboard with just one dart from this seat, will you give me something?"

Well the dartboard was at least thirty feet from the drunk guy's table so the landlord thought well what the hell, I'll humour the daft bugger, so he gave him a dart.   

The bloke swayed around in his seat and chucked the dart aimlessly across the room. But guess what: bullseye!

Well the landlord was nonplussed. He struggled to find something he could give the chap. All he could think of was the tortoise he'd bought earlier that day for his young nephew. So that's what he handed over, still in its box.

A week later the chap was back in the pub, well oiled, sitting in the same seat. He sez to the landlord, "Hey, mate, same again? One dart from here, bullseye, you give me something?"

The landlord thought to himself that there was no way the bloke could repeat that freakish stunt, so he handed the chap a dart. But the feller swayed around, almost falling on the floor, and chucked the dart skyward. But whaddya know: bullseye again!

"OK, give me something," he said to the landlord. "But no food this time, pal. That pie you gave me last week had a stale crust"