Christopher Columbo

        In a letter to Hubert Canfield dated June 1, 1926, the American folk song collector Robert W. Gordon notes, "Your remarks on 'Christopher Columbo' surprise me. I had no idea that any version of the famous and notorious song that swept the country about 1898-1906 went back so far. The original words as I know them (entirely decent till the parody appeared) were copyright in 1894. The chorus went in part:

        "He sailed the world around-O.
        He knew land could be found-O.
        This navigator, hard and hoary,
    *    *    * gyratory
        Christopho Columbo!"

        Gordon then asks, "What was the form that appeared during the Civil War?" -- a question that suggests Canfield had located a very early version of a song later copyright and popularized.
        Unfortunately, Canfield's correspondence does not survive; his find is lost once more. However, his collection did contain four versions of the gyratory ballad. Two of the longer furnish the D and E texts here.

[D]

In fourteen hundred and ninety-two a guinea from Italee
Stalked 'round the streets of old Madrid, yelling, "Hot
        tamale!"
He took his plans to Ferdinand, that monarch fat and lazy.
Says Ferdinand, "To hell with him, the goddam wop is crazy."

Chorus:
He swore the world was round-o.
His balls hung to the ground-o.
That masturbating sonovabitch
With the syph and the clap and the seven-year itch,
Christopher Columbo!

So he went forthwith to see the queen, this dago from Genoa,
And in love he fell with Isabel, that noted Spanish ho-ah.
The disposition of this maid was anything but sainted,
The orifice between her legs was very badly tainted.

He said unto the Queen of Spain, "You give me ship and cargo
And I'm a goddam son of a bitch, if I don't bring back
        Chicago."
Says Isabel, "I see a chance to gratify the passion
That I've conceived for this here wop in truly Spanish
        fashion."

They met at eight at the garden gate, Columbo scarcely knew
        her,
But he laid her flat upon her back and tossed a fuck into her.
The queen put all her jewels in hock to get Columbo started.
She shed salt tears upon the dock; Columbo merely farted.

A week or more from the Spanish shore they heard a frightful
        wailing.
They found Columbo on the bridge with his teeth sunk in the
        railing.
At last he got so very ver' bad that he could only roar,
"I've caught the clap from Isabel, the dirty Spanish whore!"

Now doctors on this lousy ship were very far from many.
The only quack they had on board was a little shit named
        Benny.
But Benny knew a thing or two, his smile was calm and placid
As he filled Columbo's pecker up with muriatic acid.

Columbo sailed and sailed along, across the rough Atlantic,
But when they found there was no tail, it almost drove them
        frantic.
And after several weeks at sea Columbo grew so rooty
His cock stood at attention as it felt the call of duty.

He took his good old whanger out and laid it on the deck-o.
The first mate stumbled over it and damned near broke his
        neck-o.
As he lay there on the quarterdeck close to the forward
        masthole,
Columbo gave his cock a twitch and shoved it up his asshole.

"Oh, spare me, sire!" the first mate cried, "and I'll give you
        my daughter."
"Bring on the bitch," bold Chris replied, "or I will give no
        quarter."
The maiden fled across the deck, the villain he pursued her.
The white of an egg ran down her leg, the son of a bitch had
        screwed her.

Upon the ship they had a monk, the monkey's name was Jumbo,
And all hands used to bugger him, especially Columbo.
The first mate swore, the first mate tore, and then the first
        mate cried-o,
"You fucka my monk, my little monk, and now my monkey's
        died-o."

For ninety days and ninety nights they sailed in search of
        booty
Till on a shore they spied a whore, my God, she was a beauty.
The sailors leaped into the surf, shedding shirts and collars.
In fifteen minutes by the clock, she made ten thousand
        dollars.

Columbo chased a nut-brown maid who resented his advances
Till he ran her up a cocoa palm and fucked her in the
        branches.
For seven hours they kept it up and made a wild commotion,
The coconuts were shaken loose and fell into the ocean.

This island maid was very sweet, but her revenge was sweeter:
Columbo got a dose of syph with chancres on his peter.
So then he journeyed back to Spain where he was needed sorely,
For there the queen, with a lengthy beam, was masturbating
        hourly.

He laid the New World at her feet but gave her greater rapture
When he laid her down upon the rug and set about to scratch
        her.
It took a whole night's labor to satisfy her passion
And he filled her up with syphilis in thorough-going fashion.

[E]

In fourteen hundred and ninety-two, a dago from Italee
Was walking on the streets of Spain, selling hot tomale.
He went up to the queen of Spain, said, "Give me ships and
        cargo
And I'll be a cock-eyed son of a bitch if I don't bring back
        Chicago."

Chorus:
For he knew the world was round-o,
And land it could be found-o,
This masturbating, fornicating
Christofo Colombo.

Now in the town of Madrid, the clapsters were not many,
And the very best clapster in the town was a God-damned Jew
        named Benny.
Columbo he did go to him with a smile both calm and placid,
And Benny filled his peter up with muriatic acid.

Columbo had a one-eyed mate, he loved him like a brother.
They used to go down in the hold and lay on oen another.
The sailors were a whorey crew, they buggered anybody.
Columbo said that was the way that they all kept so ruddy.

And when they hove in sight of land, all were intent on booty.
A whore stood there upon the sand, Great Christ! she was a
        beauty.
The sailors plunged into the deep, shedding coats and collars.
In fifteen minutes by the clock she made nine hundred dollars.

Columbo he did get last whack, his cock was red and fiery.
He started back into his ship to write it in his diary.
A mighty shout arose on board, "All hands, come weigh the
        anchor!"
Columbo couldn't move a step; his balls were full of chancre.

Last Chorus:
Oh, his balls were large and round-o.
His cock hung to the ground-o,
This masturbating, fornicating
Son-of-a-bitch, Columbo.

The above is the research notes from Ed Cray's research for the Erotic Muse III and provide the two of the Canfield texts.