A great Les Barker poem:

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Beef Dripping - Les Barker

I found it in the Co-op
On the shelf below the butter
Between the lard and marge
I almost missed it in the clutter

Some folk might call it progress
But it’s not the kind I like
It’s not what you’d expect
From something made in Heckmondwike

I’ve always used the Co-op
But their standards must be slipping
I read the name upon the lid
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Beef Dripping

Am I supposed to be excited
Should my heart fill with elation
That the product I am buying
Is the purest imitation

There’s a fear that’s sort of Southern
That the deep fried chip can kill
So they warm them in the oven,
Or they heat them on the grill

There’s one substance and one only
A man should dip his chip in
And it’s not a product called
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Beef Dripping

Now I have never been excited
By the thought of Olive Oil
Its all right for bloody Popeye,
But for sons of honest toil

To be so healthy is not healthy
If I ate this I would sicken
I’ve a stomach that needs filling
And some arteries to thicken

Oh the shame if I were asked
What is that upon your flipping
Slice of flipping Mothers Pride
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Beef Dripping

So I’ve took it to the checkout
And the manager was brought
And I pointed at his product
And I told him what I thought

I thought the man who thought of this
Must plainly be a fool
And ought to be transferred at once
To Dewsbury or Goole

There are skulls that should be Sundae’d
There are ear’oles to be clipping
I can’t believe that I have seen
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Beef Dripping

I’ve never eaten sunflowers
And I’m not starting now
For they rarely have the substance
Of a slab of purest cow

There are moments in our history
When all else counts for nowt
Like the day that Geoffrey Boycott
Admitted he was out

And the day the world was rocked
By the arrest of Dr Crippen
And the day the Co-op stocked
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Beef Dripping

LFF