All of the above reminds me of a scene from the movie Hallelujah Trail:

Cavalry, dismounted, along a ridge, fighting Indians in a sandstorm. A round comes in from behind. The lieutenant calls, "Protect your rear!" The soldiers scramble over the ridge and fire back. Another round comes in from behind again. The lieutenant calls, "Protect your other rear!" The soldiers again scramble over the ridge and fire back. Yet another round comes in from behind. The lieutenant calls, "Protect both rears simultaneously!" Half the soldiers scramble over the ridge and come up to face each other!

It doesn't read well but it's one of the funniest scenes from comedy westerns.