I may be missing something, Kris, but the theme and orientation of your song don't sound that unusual to me. Lots of love songs (of the unrequited variety, or otherwise) require the singer to "inhabit" the character. The character may be heartbroken (think of Linda Ronstadt's early hit "Long Long Time"), or obsessive and menacing (think of the Police song "Every Breath You Take"), or may have such a complex mix of emotions that they defy easy characterization. In fact, your song reminds me vaguely of a 1970's hit by MattR's favorite band, Electric Light Orchestra, called "Telephone Line," which had a similar theme. I never assumed that any of these songs were necessarily autobiographical.

So I would suggest that you just go ahead and sing your song without worrying that it will reflect badly on you. In fact, there are some very successful songwriters who seem to deliberately create a sense of discomfort with songs like this. Richard Thompson is a good example; listen to "Uninhabited Man" off of his recent "Mock Tudor" album if you really want to get the creeps.

As to whether your song succeeds in getting its point across, I think the lyrical structure you have created probably helps -- you lead with a chorus, and keep coming back to the theme in an obsessive way. I also suspect that a lot depends on the delivery, which is something we can't judge by just reading the words. I think the menacing tone you are seeking might be something that you can deliberately emphasize -- again, I think "Every Breath You Take" is a good example, in that Sting's understated delivery really enhances the sense of menace. But as far as I can tell you've got a good one there, and it probably does achieve the desired effect.