Scabby Doug ...

Nowt wrong with your name that a course of treatment with a good cocaine-rich homeopscychopatic dermatological cream won't put right.

Sent some to that address you gave - but I suspect the warders'll sniff it out an' sniff it dry before it gets to ya.

All would-be Scots - if you're over 4' 6" (1.5M) have above 10:10 vision and at least 3 of your original limbs still intact, they'll be interested in ya as a goalkeeper

They'll very probably give you Scottish nationality, a small but unpronouncable Island and a lifetime's supply of whisky to entice you to declare for them.

Beats sending cash to yer man in Barlinnie, anyway