I'm not likely to sing a song like this, but I found it here (click) in the course of looking for "My Name Is Clarence" - which I'm not likely to sing, either.
-Joe Offer-

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THE SEXUAL LIFE OF THE CAMEL
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(Tune: Eton Boating Song)
Some alternative lines are marked by '*''

OPTIONAL CHORUS:        
And we'll all pull together
Our bollocks between our knees
Yes we'll all pull together
And do as we fucking well please

ALTERNATIVE CHORUS:
Singin' rub titty titty rub titty titty
titty rub titty rub titty rub
rub titty rub titty yea.
Singin' rub titty titty rub titty titty
titty rub titty rub titty rub
The assholes are here to stay

ALTERNATIVE CHORUS 2:
We're all queers together,
Excuse us while we go upstairs, IN PAIRS!.
We're all queers together,
And nobody bloody well cares.

The sexual life of the camel,
Is stranger than anyone thinks,
At the height of the mating season,
*He tries to bugger the sphynx,
*But the sphynx's posterior sphincter,
*Is clogged up by the sands of the Nile,
Which accounts for the hump on the camel,
And the sphynx's inscrutable smile.

(*He tries to get rove up the sphynx,)
(*But the sphynx, by the wisdom of Allah,)
(*Stuffs its arse with the sands of the Nile,)

The carnal desires of the camel
Are stranger than anyone thinks,
For this passionate but perverted mammal
Has designs on the hole of the Sphinx,
But this deep and alluring depression
Is oft clogged by the sands of the Nile,
Which accounts for the camel's expression
And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile.

The sexual life of the ostrich,
Is hard to understand,
We know this remarkable creature,
Will bury his head in the sand.
*And if another ostrich finds it,
*Standing there with its ass in the air,
*Does it have the urge to grind,
*Or doesn't it bloody-well care?

(*When another one comes up behind it,)
(*And sees his great ass in the air,)
(*Does he up with his chopper and grind it,)
(*Or doesn't he fucking well care?)

(*He wonder's if it's male or female, *)
(*and says "What the fuck do I care?!?" *)

The sexual life of the elephant,
Sounds like a bureaucratic nightmare,
With lots of roaring and screaming,
In order to get anywhere,
It's all done at a very high level,
With two years to get a result,
Any mating's a huge undertaking,
'Twixt two parties who rarely consult.

The sexual life of a bullfrog
Is understood by some,
At the height of the mating season
He crawls up the arse of his chum.
But this vile orifice is horrible
And filled with foul gases and slime,
Which accounts for his croak
And why he says "ugh" all the time.

In the process of syphilization,
From the anthropoid ape down to man,
It is generally held that the Navy,
Has buggered whatever it can,
Yet recent extensive researches,
By Darwin and Huxley and Hall,
Conclusively prove that the hedgehog,
Has never been buggered at all.

We therefore believe our conclusion,
Is incontrovertibly shown,
That comparative safety on shipboard,
Is enjoyed by the hedgehog alone,
Why haven't they done it a Spithead,
As they've done it at Harvard and Yale,
And also at Oxford and Cambridge,
By shaving the spines off its tail!

But theorems were meant to be broken
As in the postulate written above,
Regarding the plight of the hedgehog
And the boundaries of sexual love.
For a crafty ol' naval bugger
Left his memoirs to Harvard and Yale,
Simply stating the fact that the hedgehog
Can be buggered by shaving his tail.

So come on all you sailors,
To the occasion rise,
Just grab yourself a hedgehog,
And give it a real surprise,
The following simple instructions,
Will ensure that you do not fail,
Simply ream out its ass with a hose pipe,
And shave the spines off his tail.


ALL QUEERS TOGETHER
(Often sung as part of The Sexual Life of the Camel)

My name, I shall tell you, is Cecil,
I cum from Leicester Square,
I walk down Piccadilly,
With flowers in my hair,
For we're all queers together,
That's why we go around in pairs,
For we're all queers together,
Now excuse us while we go upstairs.

I went for a ride on a choo-choo,
And found I had to stand,
A little boy offered me his seat,
So I went for it with my hand,
For we're all queers together,
That's why we go around in pairs,
For we're all queers together,
Now excuse us while we go upstairs.

Oh what do you want said the waiter,
Pensively picking his nose,
Two hard boiled eggs you old bastard,
You can't stick your fingers in those.
For we're all queers together,
That's why we go around in pairs,
For we're all queers together,
Now excuse us while we go upstairs.

Oh my name is Basil,
And my friend's name is Bond,
We're always seen together,
They call us Basildon-Bond,
For we're all queers together,
That's why we go around in pairs,
For we're all queers together,
Now excuse us while we go upstairs.

It was Christmas Eve in the harem
The eunuchs all standing there,
Watching the dusky maidens,
Combing their pubic hair.
When along came Father Christmas,
Striding down the marble halls,
When he asked what they wanted for Christmas,
The eunuchs all answered, "Balls!"

Oh, the old men were having a birthday,
Standing in line at the bar,
Thinking about the old times,
Thinking back ever so far.
When along came a comely maiden,
By Christ, she was so fair,
When she asked what they'd like for their birthday,
The old men all shouted, "Hair!"

Me daddy drives a motorcar,
Me mother rides a bike.
Me and me brother we hate each other
So I masturbate on his trike.
My name is Bruce you know me,
I live in Leicster Square,
With a pair of open toed sandals
And a gardenia in me hair.

Me father fucks me mother,
Me father fucks him back.
And when he's done with her
He comes and rams it up me crack.
I went to sell me motorcar,
Expecting much the worst.
He asked me for my bottom price,
I said lets talk about me motorcar first.

This morn' I went to my tailor.
He said, "What can I do for you Jack?"
I said, "A pair of velvet trousers
With the zipper up the back.!"