While a member here at the Mudcat, I've been in an unusual situation of recieving training in psychotherapy and counseling at the same time. So, along with being a participant, I've also been an observer. I've been watching the behavioral dynamics at play here, and I see a lot of areas where (in my opinion) commonly accepted dynamics of relationship and family counseling apply and could be used with success.

One of the important goals of relationship and family counseling is to promote harmony between members of the family, couple, or group.

In order to do this, one of the things that needs to be looked at is what behaviors being engaged in are contributing to disharmony. I look at flaming as being a form of behavior that contributes to disharmony.

I can see that there isn't much consensus on what constitutes 'flaming'. To me, flaming is any behavior that generates, contributes to, increases, or escalates tension, bad feelings, or anger, and that stimulates responses that are not harmonious in nature. By harmonious, I don't mean that people should agree all the time, but that it is possible to disagree without escalating tension and disharmony.

I think it is possible to communicate with others here, and to state opinions here in a way that is not inflamatory (in a way that doesn't increase tension and disharmony).

Some very important guidelines for increasing harmony and decreasing disharmony that are commonly found in relationship and group counseling contexts are:

Use "I" messages, rather than "You" messages...

"I appreciate it when people show consideration for others in the forum."

--rather than--

"You're rude and obnoxious."

The use of adjectives can often have the effect of escalating bad feelings...

"Trolls are people who use the internet to satisfy emotional needs at the expense of others who use the internet."

--as opposed to--

"Trolls are assholes."

Making value judgements rather than looking at behaviors from the perspective of what works and what doesn't seems to have the effect of escalating tension and bad feelings...

"Trolling and flaming behavior creates problems for the people who are responsible for this forum. We can contribute to the smooth functioning of this forum if we avoid engaging in it."

--rather than--

"Trolls and flamers are bad people."

These points are generic in nature, and are not directed at any particular indivuals or their behavior. They are accepted practices used in many contexts in which the goal is the promotion of harmony, and creating a more effective social dynamic within and between individuals and groups of people.