EJ. I'm going to be rather more hard and cynical than most of the replies here. Quite simply because I've been in, and come though this situation.

You said you don't understand what she's doing. I didn't understand it at the time, either. I understand it now. It's called power. She has a hold on you, and knows it. She has a hold on her present unfortunate puppet, and she knows it. She doesn't want you, but doesn't want to let go. If she lets you go, you'll rebuild your life, and find someone better. She'll lose control. So she keeps hold from a distance. You think she doesn't mean to hurt you. That's exactly what she intends. She says she'll ring, you wait, she doesn't phone. More control. The calls to you are a problem to her present boyfriend. Why do you think she tells him that she has phoned you. It keeps doubt in his mind too. It's her hold on him.

What to do about it. Be strong, be ruthless. Don't change your phone number, it shows you're avoiding her. Don't avoid her, but don't encourage her. Get an answerphone, and leave it on even when you're in. Don't answer if it's her. Return her calls - eventually. Be cold and know what you're going to say. Don't give a reason for not returning her calls sooner.

If she goes on about her wonderful life, tell her how happy you are for her. Other than that, show disinterest. Don't get sucked into saying you miss her. Don't get sucked into telling her what you're doing. Just be evasive. Don't arrange to meet her, even at her invitation. She'll build up your hopes, then mess you about. Don't give a reason for not wanting to meet her. If she wants to know why you phoned her back, you are being polite and returning her call. Nothing more. If she's says she'll phone you, switch the answer phone off, and be out. Don't sit waiting for the call.

In short. Take control, and be in control. It matters not if after the call you feel like ****, just don't show it at the time. Once you start to control the situation you'll start to feel better. Don't weaken. Don't imagine there'll ever be a happy re-union, even if she dumps the other fella. There won't, just more of the same. Learn from the experience, go and find somebody else, and if they start to play mind games, get the hell out.

When you find someone who is happy to co-exist with you without control and manipulation, you'll not feel obsessed and miserable, just happy and comfortable in their company. You'll know the difference then.

You may feel this is all out of character for you. It was for me too, but I got my life back. Get yours back.

Good luck,

Brian (celebrating wedding anniversary today - and loving it)