You're right Carol - the hurt is when we forget that we have a choice. And to forget one must immerse oneself in that risk of deep intimacy and trust (cannot have one without the other).

What I always tell the couples that I see is that if you are truly partners you each have the ability to hurt the other worse than anyone else in the whole world. Simply because of that same trust - and to abuse it is not good for the relationship. To instead nurture it and attend to each other as well as they can in their particular circumstance.

I'm just in this inane mood of late -

Steve