Patrish: My own experience (from the y chromosome side of the equation) was very amicable. The key was that we had already approached the topic, discussed it, agreed on general terms for the future of our soon-to-be fragmented family (support, visitation, and such) and reduced our agreement to writing BEFORE getting a lawyer involved. True, it seemed like we were paying someone to do what we had already done, but the value of the simplicity and amiability was (to paraphrase the credit card people) priceless.

Although there is the possibility in our state of doing a divorce without benefit of a lawyer, it is restricted to situations not involving kids and only where the parties have been married for less than (I think) five years. Check your own laws if you think this might be an option (but from your tone, I'd be hesitant to recommend it). As well, ask a family lawyer (or the local court clerk) about the process of mediation. As mentioned above, this represents a much less adversarial alternative if you can make it work.

Remember, as much as communication is a necessary part of living together, its even more important when breaking up if you want to avoid the agony and anguish of all that fighting.